you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
