at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
