Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Randomize
