I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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