fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
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