Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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