saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
