So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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