Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
