After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
