Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
