I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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