Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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