He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
