Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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