somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
