3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
