I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
