im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
