Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
