never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
