It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Randomize
