I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
