even my farts smell like vagina
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
