batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Randomize
