I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Sorry about my life...
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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