This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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