Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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