He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
