his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
