If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
