On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
