You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
is wine microwaveable?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
