your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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