Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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