I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
