Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
