I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
