dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
