I feel like abortions should bother me more
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
