Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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