theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
