I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
