Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
