I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
