:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
