dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
