I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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