I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
