I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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