Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
