I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
