So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
